Perpetual Darkness

“I do not rewrite unless I am absolutely sure that I can express the material better if I do rewrite it. —William Faulkner

Well, Faulkner, that's my problem these days. I can never tell when I'm finished. The other problem is, I always think I can express it better. For me, my already written text is like an iceberg--stands in the way, won't move, won't budge, actually, and blocks a calm, smooth sail. It's a crutch, a challenge, a 'hard place,' if you will.

The other night I dreamed I was sitting in a park on a bench as day gradually turned to night. At one point I thought to myself, 'Hmm, it's dark, maybe I should get up and go.' I began to feel spooked actually, so I got to my feet, and strolled over towards another bench, where apparently all my stuff was: my school bag, my purse, and, oddly, a small, brown dog. I fumbled around aimlessly, trying to collect my items as the duskiness of night set in. I don't have a dog. I've never seen this one in my life. But I picked him up, along with my other (less furry) cumbersome items and began to walk.

Then I was walking down my grandparents' street--towards their house, I suppose--and the world began to light up again, gradually, in degrees. I still held onto my things, dog included, but I felt resolute in making it all the way to my grandparents' house without dropping anything.

All my dream research points to darkness as a sign of doom, evil, the death of the spirit. But I don't think I believe that--not in this context anyway. I think I'm 'in the dark,' about what my writing should look like, should sound like, etc. I'm fumbling around, trying to figure it all out. I'm determined to hold on, to make it back, and little by little, the fog--or darkness, in this case--will dissipate.

I don't think anything I've ever written is perfect. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell. If there is even such a thing as 'perfect writing.' I'll keep aiming for perfection; maybe one day I can get close.

If you look closely...

“We’re past the age of heroes and hero kings. If we can’t make up stories about ordinary people, who can we make them up about? … Most of our lives are basically mundane and dull, and it’s up to the writer to find ways to make them interesting.”
—John Updike

Tonight I had dinner at my grandfather's house. I've worked many hours in the past two days, and taught various classes. Before heading to Grandpa's I decided to stop at a county park near his house and relish in twenty to thirty minutes of down time. I think it's crucial for intrinsic writers--or your everyday introvert-- to do this occasionally. I'm both. A writer, an introvert. It's crucial. Reflection periods. I used to think that more people ought to do this. But today it occurred to me that if everyone did it, then parks like mine would be swamped with run-of-mill thinkers and philosophers like myself. And that would just kill my vibe.

Either way, I'm always surprised to find that others do the same. Today, a kooky woman parked her car next to me and proceeded to empty out the contents of her trunk and back seat into the mesh wire garbage bin planted in front of the man-made pond. Afterwords, she just...chilled...in her back seat, retrieving pieces of paper off her car floor and reading aloud to herself (I could tell; her lips were moving). My first thought? Are she and I the same breed?

Speaking of backseats. When I initially pulled into said park, an Acura SUV had been trailing behind me. Get off my ass, I'm thinking. You're really staring to irritate me, Lady (introverted philosopher or not, I'm still from Northern Jersey). She kept moving her vehicle to the side, like she wanted to blast past me, but kept herself from doing it. She pulled into the same parking lot I did--naturally-- and by this point my 'Zen Zone' was wavering. She breaks next to a black Mercedes. An older man steps out from the Benz, and leans into the talk to the aggressive Acura driver. Meanwhile, I kill my ignition and wait. I'm just dying to see what the bitch who was trailing me looks like. When she gets out of the car--I'd say mid-forties, long reddish hair, in shape--and she and the old man slip into the back seat, which by the way is clandestinely hidden by oh-so-illegal tinted windows. Valentine's Day affair? I kept waiting for the car start rocking back and forth.

A little while later, a man in mid-fifties parks to the other side of me. The second he shifts gears he rubs his face with his hands. I hear you, Man, I thinking. I need it too. When a flock of geese take off in a V-Shaped flight, beckoning loudly enough for the world to hear, his eyes follow them as mine do, and again...I'm surprised. I'm surprised to find there are others like me.

I think as intrinsic writers, if we pay attention, there are cues and stories all over the place. Parks and sanctuaries, though they seem uneventful, are a haven for those who want to shut down. Who want to watch the simplistic lives of wildfowl. Who think they can be themselves because no one else is watching...

Oh there you are...

Writers shouldn’t fall in love with characters so much that they lose sight of what they’re trying to accomplish. The idea is to write a whole story, a whole book. A writer has to be able to look at that story and see whether or not a character works, whether or not a character needs further definition.”
—Stephen Coonts

Last week I received some feedback on one of my major female characters. Apparently, compared to another female character, she didn't 'jump off the page,' as they say. This surprised me greatly. I've spent much more time thinking about Character A than Character B. Character A arrived in my thoughts with any beckoning. Character B was not forged, but certainly planned. Yet somehow, according to my small group of readers, Character B--in the draft they were shown-- leaped, tumbled, and sprang, forward while Character A mostly stayed put.

I'm aware that some characters arrive more organically. As I've said before, these are the guys that show up uninvited bearing no food, drink, or gift. But what about those characters who I swear I know, see clearly, hear impeccably, feel intimately...but yet, don't get expressed properly in the prose?

So I rewrote her. I opened up a new document, titled it after her name, and wrote her whole story. Then I took the various bits and pieces of text and placed them (I hope) strategically in the all right places. When I read over the revisions, I was astonished by how weakly I'd characterized her in former drafts. She is perhaps the most important female character in the story! I'd cheated her, in a sense. But what's strange, the way in which I finally brought her to light, is exactly the way I'd always envisioned her. Now, thank goodness, so can everyone else.

I guess sometimes we intrinsic writers can lose perspective. We are so enmeshed in our creations that we develop a sort of 'blind spot' towards them. I see what I see, even no one else does. Even if it's absurdly obvious. I learned something important from this critique though. Don't shortchange your people. They don't deserve it.

Love Thy Writing

The most important thing is you can’t write what you wouldn’t read for pleasure. It’s a mistake to analyze the market thinking you can write whatever is hot. You can’t say you’re going to write romance when you don’t even like it. You need to write what you would read if you expect anybody else to read it.

And you have to be driven. You have to have the three D’s: drive, discipline and desire. If you’re missing any one of those three, you can have all the talent in the world, but it’s going to be really hard to get anything done.”
—Nora Roberts

This is legitimate advice: Love Thy Writing. Whenever I read a book that I love, it lingers...days after I've finished, weeks after I've finished, months after I've finished, and yes, years, sometimes. I'll catch glimpses of it in my mind at various, unexpected moments. It'll shoot waves of comfort through me, no matter if what kind of situation--pleasant or unpleasant--I am in.

I know I love my own novel, because it too, catches me in the midst of my day. I see the images, I feel the characters, and I sink into the setting. Sometimes it's as if it were another person's work, not my own. I imagine that this is a good sign; after all, I've written a novel that I adore, that I cherish. I've formulated such a story that if I were to ever come across it in a bookstore, I'd pick it up, take it home, and devour it. I'd long to spend Saturday night at home with it. I'd read it in days, or maybe even hours. Upon completion, I'd press it against my heart and wrap my arms tightly around it. OK, maybe not so dramatic-like, but something to that effect. Either way, I'd feel the ripples of the tale undulating throughout my being. And in a small, but significant way, I'd be forever changed.

Is this to say that my book has this kind of mega power? It can magnetically grip all who treads upon it? No, sadly, I don't believe that's the case. My wish, my life goal though, is that someone will...love my book that is. Of course by someone, I mean other than me. I know it's not perfect, and frankly, in writing, nothing ever is. I'm aware of the work it needs, and I plan on seeing that through. But it's comforting to know that I do, in fact, love my book. I love it. So much. That fact alone makes all the painstaking revision, all the doubt, all the self-torture one-hundred and fifty percent worth the while.

Any intrinsic writer must enjoy his or her story. It comes with the territory. I used to wonder if musicians or singers loved their own songs. I imagine they must, they have to. At least the ones who write the songs themselves, anyway. I just can't imagine the process being any other way.