Perpetual Darkness

“I do not rewrite unless I am absolutely sure that I can express the material better if I do rewrite it. —William Faulkner

Well, Faulkner, that's my problem these days. I can never tell when I'm finished. The other problem is, I always think I can express it better. For me, my already written text is like an iceberg--stands in the way, won't move, won't budge, actually, and blocks a calm, smooth sail. It's a crutch, a challenge, a 'hard place,' if you will.

The other night I dreamed I was sitting in a park on a bench as day gradually turned to night. At one point I thought to myself, 'Hmm, it's dark, maybe I should get up and go.' I began to feel spooked actually, so I got to my feet, and strolled over towards another bench, where apparently all my stuff was: my school bag, my purse, and, oddly, a small, brown dog. I fumbled around aimlessly, trying to collect my items as the duskiness of night set in. I don't have a dog. I've never seen this one in my life. But I picked him up, along with my other (less furry) cumbersome items and began to walk.

Then I was walking down my grandparents' street--towards their house, I suppose--and the world began to light up again, gradually, in degrees. I still held onto my things, dog included, but I felt resolute in making it all the way to my grandparents' house without dropping anything.

All my dream research points to darkness as a sign of doom, evil, the death of the spirit. But I don't think I believe that--not in this context anyway. I think I'm 'in the dark,' about what my writing should look like, should sound like, etc. I'm fumbling around, trying to figure it all out. I'm determined to hold on, to make it back, and little by little, the fog--or darkness, in this case--will dissipate.

I don't think anything I've ever written is perfect. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell. If there is even such a thing as 'perfect writing.' I'll keep aiming for perfection; maybe one day I can get close.

If you look closely...

“We’re past the age of heroes and hero kings. If we can’t make up stories about ordinary people, who can we make them up about? … Most of our lives are basically mundane and dull, and it’s up to the writer to find ways to make them interesting.”
—John Updike

Tonight I had dinner at my grandfather's house. I've worked many hours in the past two days, and taught various classes. Before heading to Grandpa's I decided to stop at a county park near his house and relish in twenty to thirty minutes of down time. I think it's crucial for intrinsic writers--or your everyday introvert-- to do this occasionally. I'm both. A writer, an introvert. It's crucial. Reflection periods. I used to think that more people ought to do this. But today it occurred to me that if everyone did it, then parks like mine would be swamped with run-of-mill thinkers and philosophers like myself. And that would just kill my vibe.

Either way, I'm always surprised to find that others do the same. Today, a kooky woman parked her car next to me and proceeded to empty out the contents of her trunk and back seat into the mesh wire garbage bin planted in front of the man-made pond. Afterwords, she just...chilled...in her back seat, retrieving pieces of paper off her car floor and reading aloud to herself (I could tell; her lips were moving). My first thought? Are she and I the same breed?

Speaking of backseats. When I initially pulled into said park, an Acura SUV had been trailing behind me. Get off my ass, I'm thinking. You're really staring to irritate me, Lady (introverted philosopher or not, I'm still from Northern Jersey). She kept moving her vehicle to the side, like she wanted to blast past me, but kept herself from doing it. She pulled into the same parking lot I did--naturally-- and by this point my 'Zen Zone' was wavering. She breaks next to a black Mercedes. An older man steps out from the Benz, and leans into the talk to the aggressive Acura driver. Meanwhile, I kill my ignition and wait. I'm just dying to see what the bitch who was trailing me looks like. When she gets out of the car--I'd say mid-forties, long reddish hair, in shape--and she and the old man slip into the back seat, which by the way is clandestinely hidden by oh-so-illegal tinted windows. Valentine's Day affair? I kept waiting for the car start rocking back and forth.

A little while later, a man in mid-fifties parks to the other side of me. The second he shifts gears he rubs his face with his hands. I hear you, Man, I thinking. I need it too. When a flock of geese take off in a V-Shaped flight, beckoning loudly enough for the world to hear, his eyes follow them as mine do, and again...I'm surprised. I'm surprised to find there are others like me.

I think as intrinsic writers, if we pay attention, there are cues and stories all over the place. Parks and sanctuaries, though they seem uneventful, are a haven for those who want to shut down. Who want to watch the simplistic lives of wildfowl. Who think they can be themselves because no one else is watching...

Oh there you are...

Writers shouldn’t fall in love with characters so much that they lose sight of what they’re trying to accomplish. The idea is to write a whole story, a whole book. A writer has to be able to look at that story and see whether or not a character works, whether or not a character needs further definition.”
—Stephen Coonts

Last week I received some feedback on one of my major female characters. Apparently, compared to another female character, she didn't 'jump off the page,' as they say. This surprised me greatly. I've spent much more time thinking about Character A than Character B. Character A arrived in my thoughts with any beckoning. Character B was not forged, but certainly planned. Yet somehow, according to my small group of readers, Character B--in the draft they were shown-- leaped, tumbled, and sprang, forward while Character A mostly stayed put.

I'm aware that some characters arrive more organically. As I've said before, these are the guys that show up uninvited bearing no food, drink, or gift. But what about those characters who I swear I know, see clearly, hear impeccably, feel intimately...but yet, don't get expressed properly in the prose?

So I rewrote her. I opened up a new document, titled it after her name, and wrote her whole story. Then I took the various bits and pieces of text and placed them (I hope) strategically in the all right places. When I read over the revisions, I was astonished by how weakly I'd characterized her in former drafts. She is perhaps the most important female character in the story! I'd cheated her, in a sense. But what's strange, the way in which I finally brought her to light, is exactly the way I'd always envisioned her. Now, thank goodness, so can everyone else.

I guess sometimes we intrinsic writers can lose perspective. We are so enmeshed in our creations that we develop a sort of 'blind spot' towards them. I see what I see, even no one else does. Even if it's absurdly obvious. I learned something important from this critique though. Don't shortchange your people. They don't deserve it.

Love Thy Writing

The most important thing is you can’t write what you wouldn’t read for pleasure. It’s a mistake to analyze the market thinking you can write whatever is hot. You can’t say you’re going to write romance when you don’t even like it. You need to write what you would read if you expect anybody else to read it.

And you have to be driven. You have to have the three D’s: drive, discipline and desire. If you’re missing any one of those three, you can have all the talent in the world, but it’s going to be really hard to get anything done.”
—Nora Roberts

This is legitimate advice: Love Thy Writing. Whenever I read a book that I love, it lingers...days after I've finished, weeks after I've finished, months after I've finished, and yes, years, sometimes. I'll catch glimpses of it in my mind at various, unexpected moments. It'll shoot waves of comfort through me, no matter if what kind of situation--pleasant or unpleasant--I am in.

I know I love my own novel, because it too, catches me in the midst of my day. I see the images, I feel the characters, and I sink into the setting. Sometimes it's as if it were another person's work, not my own. I imagine that this is a good sign; after all, I've written a novel that I adore, that I cherish. I've formulated such a story that if I were to ever come across it in a bookstore, I'd pick it up, take it home, and devour it. I'd long to spend Saturday night at home with it. I'd read it in days, or maybe even hours. Upon completion, I'd press it against my heart and wrap my arms tightly around it. OK, maybe not so dramatic-like, but something to that effect. Either way, I'd feel the ripples of the tale undulating throughout my being. And in a small, but significant way, I'd be forever changed.

Is this to say that my book has this kind of mega power? It can magnetically grip all who treads upon it? No, sadly, I don't believe that's the case. My wish, my life goal though, is that someone will...love my book that is. Of course by someone, I mean other than me. I know it's not perfect, and frankly, in writing, nothing ever is. I'm aware of the work it needs, and I plan on seeing that through. But it's comforting to know that I do, in fact, love my book. I love it. So much. That fact alone makes all the painstaking revision, all the doubt, all the self-torture one-hundred and fifty percent worth the while.

Any intrinsic writer must enjoy his or her story. It comes with the territory. I used to wonder if musicians or singers loved their own songs. I imagine they must, they have to. At least the ones who write the songs themselves, anyway. I just can't imagine the process being any other way.

My People

“The writer must always leave room for the characters to grow and change. If you move your characters from plot point to plot point, like painting by the numbers, they often remain stick figures. They will never take on a life of their own. The most exciting thing is when you find a character doing something surprising or unplanned. Like a character saying to me: ‘Hey, Richard, you may think I work for you, but I don’t. I’m my own person.’”
—Richard North Patterson

My characters are with me quite often. They kind of float around the top of my head. Like angels, in a sense, only I know for certain they're there. I don't know how else to explain it. They did not come from me, they came at me. I'm thoroughly convinced of this. Psychics say they hear voices, or the dead, etc. I do too. Sometimes I swear they must be from another dimension. I honestly don't know how else to explain it. I've posted a link to a clip of author Jodi Picoult talking to Ellen DeGeneres. In the interview, Picoult calls writing "successful schizophrenia." I was beyond pleased when I realized that I understood what she meant. That's exactly what it is.

The protagonist in my novel simply arrived one day. He just showed up uninvited. OK, maybe I crafted him into something he wasn't when he first came my way, but for real, he sprung up. Boink. like a weed (a good weed of course, he's a great guy). A few days later, another character knocked on the door to my latent, subliminal, intrinsic writer's brain. Then another, then another after that. At that point I started thinking, and soon, even more just bubbled up to the surface with names, backgrounds, etc. They told me who they were. They told me what they wanted. Half through the novel, one more came by. One I didn't plan for. He was the most surprising. It's funny too, because he enters the novel the same way he entered my mind: Out of the great, wide, expansive blue.

Sound easy? No. Not so much. It's like I am channeling them, so in essence, things often come out distorted. They don't always open up so easily in the beginning. I have to keep plugging along, letting them guide me. Some days, of course, they don't guide me. They get all huffy, and puffy, and refuse to speak. They get sucked back into that realm they originally came from and sometimes they don't come back for days. When they do, they steer me in a whole different direction, and soon I spinning in circles, ready to kill off each and every one of them. "You want your story written, huh?" I'll say, "Then cooperate, dammit." And eventually they do. Because they're my people. And I love them.

Revision Check

“… Falsely straining yourself to put something into a book where it doesn’t really belong, it’s not doing anybody any favors. And the reader can tell.”
—Margaret Atwood

I may be an intrinsic writer, but I'm not an intrinsic revisionist. The act of writing doesn't frighten me. If everything I ever wrote came out perfectly the first time, I'd have endless material, stacks of paper up to the sky. Revision, though, terrifies me. It's what holds me back. I'm not sure what exactly bothers me so much about cleaning up text--maybe the irrational despair of having to do 'the whole thing over again.' I think it's this notion of running out of time. Writing can be a blissfully painstaking process (yes, I'm aware of the oxymoron I've just provided, but any intrinsic writer knows what I'm talking about). The idea of starting from scratch, the idea of something "not working" in my writing sends me into lunatic mode. I start thinking of the months, years, even it'll take to complete, and that, who knows, by that time, maybe no one will read anymore...

Senseless thinking? Yes. Absolutely. But this is what keeps me up at night. This is what depresses me as I listlessly cruise through my daily activities. I've started my thesis seminar. It's me, the professor (my adviser) and two classmates. Last Thursday, for the first time ever, I got a response to the opening pages of my novel. I expected criticism. I knew it wasn't perfect. I've been in many writing workshop situations before, so I knew the drill. What I didn't expect was to feel so...discouraged...at the end of the night. They said my structuring was off, and that I needed to shed some light on the time period I was writing in. Excellent points. Very true, I know that now, I knew that then. But I spiraled into a sort frenzied depression for two days. I refused to look at the novel. On Friday afternoon, instead of writing, I took personality quizzes online. I felt, well, completely doomed.

Then on Friday night I had a dream. My fiance and I were on some kind of vacation with his siblings. We were in this cabin on top of a huge mountain, covered in snow. We played this game with each other, or we challenged each other...I don't know, but these were the circumstances of the dream...to climb first down the mountain, and then back up. I walked all the way down the mountain in the freezing cold. I doubted I could make it back up and wind up in the same place. I feared veering off into a totally new direction and never finding my way back. But I ascended anyhow, and when I made it to the top, I saw my fiance's brother smoking a cigar (weird, I know) and I knew I'd reached the right place.

Yesterday morning I sat down and rewrote/restructured the opening pages to my novel. And it looks...well, better. In fact, in some ways, I have a whole new feeling about it. My professor had stressed the importance of the opening pages. She said now that I'd gone through and written the entire story, I know the focus of the novel, the purpose of the novel. The opening pages have to express that. Are they perfect yet? Probably not. But I'll find my way back up the mountain.

Perceptivity

“[The writer] has to be the kind of man who turns the world upside down and says, lookit, it looks different, doesn’t it?”
—Morris West

I like to look for signs. In fact, I ask for signs. As an intrinsic writer, I believe the world overlaps with itself. I believe that cues are sent to me constantly, as if to remind me of my purpose. Writers do this sort of thing--make sense of hints, harbingers, and omens--because often, our work and our stories are filled with these kinds of notions. Good stories foreshadow, symbolize, represent, etc. Well, I think in life, it's the same thing. As a writer, I'm just programmed to notice it.

One afternoon I drove to the mall and parked next to a minivan that was sporting a bumper sticker with the title of my novel splashed across it. It isn't a common phrase, really. And I'd never seen it on a bumper sticker. Haven't since either. Another time, my brother was watching a recap of a football game on television, and in a screen shot of the facts and stats of two players, I noticed that they shared the names of two of my male characters.

Last week, when meeting with my thesis adviser, she asked me if my novel is written in the first person. I said that yes, it is. Then later on while driving home, I wound up behind a car with a vanity license plate that said (I kid you not) "1 POV." Very strange. I followed this car almost all the way to my house. I'd never seen it before that night. I haven't seen it since.

One of the best essays I wrote as an undergrad was titled "Empathy and Intuition Among the Characters of Mrs. Dalloway." I picked out scenes in the novel where the characters seemed to have unspoken communication. Where they read the minds of one another, and seemed to understand what each was going through. My husband-to-be and I often text each other throughout the day, just to say hi. Last week at precisely 12:30 p.m. I thought to myself: haven't checked my phone in a while. I bet he sent me a message. Sure enough, a text came through at almost the exact same time. I found out last Sunday that an old neighbor had passed away. This morning I woke up thinking about the last time I had spoken to her. She had told me that she liked to practice Reiki healing. An hour or so later, while visiting a the blog of a fellow blogger, I saw that she too, mentioned using Reiki on sick animals.

There are many more where this came from. In writing, our characters pick up on these kind of cues both as a means of plot structure, and significance for the overall story. But I'm convinced, that if one pays attention, this kind of stuff happens in real life...all the time.